Love advice- it is something that many people turn to. A piece of affirmation as to whether or not a persons instincts are right and yet we notice an increase in divorce and short term relationships. Let us get one thing straight right away- the partner that you really really wish for very likely does not exist. Whoever you end up with there will always be something that irks you about them, there will always be things we wish they could change, there will always be annoying habits and things we simply do not understand- yet does that mean you shouldn’t be with them? Definitely not! Love is a lot more than a bunch of checklists.

I find that sadly girls tend to fall for this trap a lot more than men- where they are used for their vulnerability and their insecurities are exploited by the media and book market- where so called “professionals” on love tell them exactly who is right for them. Who could ever forget not only the best selling book “He’s just not that into you” that was later turned to another hit movie – where girls are shown to be taken advantage of, left to hang and dry by certain types of guys- giving them the cards of victim hood and placing vulnerable women in an even more isolated corner, that perhaps the guy that does not follow these guidelines will soon dump her – so better she do it first.

If we examine a few quotes in the film “He’s Just Not That Into You” – which is tame compared to the books we see it places women in that helpless position where pretty much all guys are jackasses and she is always better off alone.

Gigi: “Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab… ”
Alex: “Or maybe he is not interested in seeing you again.”

Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

Gigi: Ok- I’m making out with this guy, PG stuff. He mentions he’s going out of town so he’s gonna be out of touch.
Alex: Run.
Gigi: But maybe he is going out of town.
Alex: To where? New Guinea? Where’s he gonna be that he’s gonna be out of touch?

Alex: If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you.

In the film and worse off in the book we see something that is trending- the image that men never have a good enough excuse and almost by nature us men are designed to play women and treat them like garbage. That if he doesn’t call, that if he is genuinely away for a while, that if he doesn’t respond to a message, that if he gives different signals that suddenly he is most surely out to break your heart and thinks nothing of you- quiet clearly such writings and films are degrading to women, whilst trying to “liberate” them and even more-so is it harsh towards men, saying if we do not conform to certain checklists and guides and if we fall outside a particular circle, that we are not worth keeping. What a catastrophe.

Why are we then surprised when we see girls especially being paranoid- suspicion and doubt runs into their minds- which is why you get the “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” “But you said 7 o’clock” “Why didn’t you reply” messages. Naturally inclined most women would be open to trusting their man and allowing trust to be the foundation of their relationship, yet when outside influences such as books, magazine articles and the media interfere you see that suddenly an irrational paranoia is in place and a vulnerable woman is made to be even more mentally weak.

I expect that when i tell my lady that i’m somewhere- she believes me. When i tell her who i am with- she believes me. That when i am away, she trusts me. That when I’m afar, she misses me and that no matter what she loves me. That is the essence of a relationship. It doesn’t matter how many times a day a man calls you– if he is doing it for the sake of “protecting” your relationship, then indeed it is nothing short of a scam. It doesn’t matter if you see each other once a week, if that day you are together is the most amazing day of that week, then why sacrifice that feeling all for the sake of having a security blanket. The blanket of knowing he see’s you more  than once weekly because “that’s not enough” according to your deceitful books of delusion advice.

Wonderful relationships are being destroyed by these ideals of a perfect partner. Well that perfect partner that you and i both want does not exist. It is nothing but a fabrication made up in your own mind of fantasy- constantly fed by those “love stories” that ironically are always found in fairy tales. I for one know that i will never judge my woman based on some checklists and guidelines, nor a book that has a scorecard or a tally for women to see what “category” their man falls for. At the end of the day it really is NOT complicated, if a relationship is well and truly off- and if your man or woman is not treating you right then something called common sense would prevail.

Yet if there are things you don’t “like” about your partner, another dislike will be found in another partner. The fact is we have to learn to deal with and live with things that we are not entirely comfortable with– it doesn’t mean it’s a relationship not worth keeping, because relationships only grow and love does not need a guide book nor any helping hand. Every man is different we are a lot more than beings to be figured out in some book. We all work and act differently and we are all individual, and i don’t care what your stupid books say in regards to certain actions or lack of action from my behalf- in the end it is simply a fattening dose of insecurity being force fed through your throats and turning all forms of love sour and leaving a world of women with expectations that make no sense and loners with wishful thinking.

He’s just not that into you? I don’t think so. You’re just not that into yourself- otherwise you’d know what’s best for you before any ramblings of mid life crisis candidates.

Peace, Salam Alaykum.

  1. Ramey!

    I think we should write a book together, about the differences between men and women. I have to completely disagree with this blog unfortunately (and naturally I am coming from a female perspective! LOL)

    Firstly regarding your point about these “advice” books I can see what you mean about giving false hope and guidance and creating unrealistic expectations, but that isn’t the main purpose of these books. Women are communicators (which is also my main point to this reply). We need to know that SOMEONE ELSE has gone through what we may be going through or worse. This is why we gossip and watch soap operas. Men are raised to travel in packs and be brave to stand alone. Women have only recently been taught (in the past 40 years) that is okay to stand alone. Therefore, we need a little more encouragement then men. That is why these books are so successful and are helpful. The point is never to take all the advice and apply it so literally, it’s to know that you’re not alone and that you too can “figure it out” in whatever your own situation may be. I have given girlfriends advice in the past and they almost never do what I suggested, they do what was in their heart. That’s just what women are like. Men, on the other hand get given instructions and do it, most of the time, without asking questions. That is why men are good soldiers, chefs, business men and so on… (not to say women aren’t either, but I’m trying to show you my point).

    With regards to insecurities, women need security. That is the number one NEED of ours. I don’t know if it is because we are the baby makers or because we are the “softer” gender, but we need a man we can count on. A lot of the time it is because we haven’t had a male role model that we could count on before (especially in the past 50 years due to divorce and the father not in the house etc…) so when you say a woman should just “know” how much you’re into her, that is really an unrealistic expectation too. Once again, we are communicators. It’s funny because I have seen a trend in relationships regarding communication. At the beginning the girl is smitten over the guy and wants to get to know every part of him and be with him all the time and really bond with him (like girls do with their friends). They are so excited they found this new “friend” and want to explore it. Women get intimate quick and want to know more more more (just watch 2 girls at a party that have never met before, if they have something in common, they will be best friends by the end of the night!). Men on the other hand, go in slowly. They strategize, make sure the “coast is clear” and start to transition from “single guy” to “dating guy”. This is where the test of their relationship takes place.

    After a while (they have not to piss each other off) the roles reverse. I have been in this situation before. I have received the “where are you, who are you with, what are you doing” calls too. It’s at this stage the woman feels she knows enough about him to come back up for air and back to your life, where as the man now finds himself caring and needing to protect what’s “his” and is a lot more involved.

    You speak of trust, but trust takes a very long time to build. Both men and women owe each other certain reassurances that they can be trusted; the work is all part about being in a relationship. You need to get to know each other, really get to know each other the good stuff and the tricky stuff.

    I agree that having a “checklist” and unrealistic expectations will be detrimental to the relationship. Friends of mine have recently divorced because both of them had expectations of the other, and neither could meet them. It was even, and both parties couldn’t provide the other with their needs. So I don’t think this is a female issue. In fact I feel that while women tend to have a checklist, that list goes straight out the door when a man wants to just be with them. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a great girl with a loser of a guy (loser being abusive or unsuccessful or irresponsible) and she will stay with him just because it is better than being alone. This is so common. I feel that maybe these “advice” books are they to motivate women into keeping to their list and not being afraid to get out of that relationship. You should settle, you should fight for the kind of love you really deserve, but you (WOMEN) should also learn that men are a totally different species and they have different “rule”. You got to learn how to play them that’s all.

    I have had this discussion with so many guys, mainly the ones that never want to change their behaviour and want to have a girlfriend but also be a “bachelor” and a similar conversation with women that expect to date guy that acts like a girl or a gay guy. My answer is; if you want to sleep with the opposite sex, then you need to be attracted to someone that is completely alien to you, otherwise you will be let down every time.

    • ramio1983 says:

      Hey Nat,

      I love that you respond to these seriously hahah and its good to have a counter argument. You see i’d have no problems with these books if women were able to properly decipher through them and to use their own initiative too. What you say about women only being taught to be brave in the last 40 years is very true, which is why i relate to women as vulnerable, that they are still learning to come to terms to be alone, stronger and independent. I’ll boil down to the point, i have known girls dump their men over these books, and i myself i found out not too long ago also got dumped a few exes back because i did not meet the criteria of this book- perhaps in her mind she made the best decision of her life- in my mind it made absolutely no sense. I think regardless of gender a person cannot be figured out by a book per se- and you do bring up some great examples especially in the roles of women and recently getting their wings but to me these self help books for the most part should only be taken as icing on a cake, not the cake itself.

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