Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

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A candid and honest look on perhaps why i am still not married. 🙂

So, i sit here, a man in his early 30’s who is begging the question…”Why am i not married yet?“. You see, growing up i always used to have these comical benchmarks on when exactly i would be getting married. When i was 18 i said i’d be married by 25. When i turned 25 i said i’d be married by 27. When i turned 27 i said i will definitely be married by 30. Then i turned 30 and pushed up my age of marriage to 33 (which mind you is around the corner!).

Being raised in a household with strong ethnic ties and having a Eastern European and Middle Eastern background i very often saw my family members and friends getting hitched in their early 20’s and as i grew older it really dawned on me how that was a truly unattractive prospect for me.

I suppose in the meantime i have been enjoying my life so much that it has been difficult for me to stop for a moment and analyze exactly where i am standing on this marathon called life. I come to realize that i absolutely want to get married and i absolutely want children, i am definitely not one of those “I’m too selfish to have children” sorts.

In fact the attraction for me is the fact that i am the total opposite to that, i am selfless and i put others before me, yet i cannot actually wait to have that child in my arms, that person that i am more than happy to put before myself, i am sure most parents can resonate with that.

Have i not found the right woman yet? Well, clearly not – because i am not married. Yet at the same time i do think about the cliche “It’s not you, it’s me” theology that runs through my mind. I ask myself am i prepared for marriage? Financially, yes. Emotionally, Yes. Mentally? Probably not. 

I do think the scars of a rough upbringing of many many years of intense physical and mental bullying, low self esteem and zero confidence really cut deep into my system. Despite me dropping plenty of weight in my early 20’s and regaining some of that charm and confidence that i hadn’t seen since i was in primary school- i still feel that even today, despite my outwardly popular and confident appearance, that i still have the remnants of low self confidence, self esteem and a battered value.

This in essence then makes it very difficult for me in relationships because my dream woman could be and probably is literally standing under my nose but i likely wouldn’t even realize it- because if my inward vibes synchronized with my outside vibes i would instantly recognize these women and i would snatch up any given opportunity- but i don’t.

Even though i do not appreciate the societal pressures of people being cornered into marriage and children, i do think its not for everyone. Yet it definitely is for me, if there’s anything i am certain about its the fact that i am very self aware- i strongly believe that i’d make a wonderful husband and an absolute kick-ass father, so i do not want to waste my life without sharing these qualities and attributes that i know i have, especially with people of which i know would earn and appreciate it.

In saying all of this, please remember i am not having a dig at those who choose not to get married or have children. As i said, i do not think its for everybody and people need to come to terms with exactly how they feel about these two major responsibilities. For me, i am up for the challenge, in fact i don’t consider it a challenge, i see it as a step in my life and it’s a step i am happy and willing to take.

Yet in the meanwhile i still have a lot of work to do on myself. I feel that i am still constructing myself into this mansion that i want to be, and i cannot let anybody else move in, whether wife or child, until i am happy with my home, until i am happy with me. The fact is, we cannot pretend that we can provide happiness for others when we are not entirely happy ourselves.

I am definitely not sad or depressed – yet i am a bit of a perfectionist. I want the timing to be right, i want to be mentally prepared and charged for the moment. I don’t just want to “wing” a relationship, i don’t just want to test the waters for years before i decide to put a ring on it. If i am at complete peace and harmony with myself and you happen to walk on by then good heavens i’d say watch out, but who wouldn’t want to be swept under their feet? 😉

Peace, Salam
-Ramey

Love advice- it is something that many people turn to. A piece of affirmation as to whether or not a persons instincts are right and yet we notice an increase in divorce and short term relationships. Let us get one thing straight right away- the partner that you really really wish for very likely does not exist. Whoever you end up with there will always be something that irks you about them, there will always be things we wish they could change, there will always be annoying habits and things we simply do not understand- yet does that mean you shouldn’t be with them? Definitely not! Love is a lot more than a bunch of checklists.

I find that sadly girls tend to fall for this trap a lot more than men- where they are used for their vulnerability and their insecurities are exploited by the media and book market- where so called “professionals” on love tell them exactly who is right for them. Who could ever forget not only the best selling book “He’s just not that into you” that was later turned to another hit movie – where girls are shown to be taken advantage of, left to hang and dry by certain types of guys- giving them the cards of victim hood and placing vulnerable women in an even more isolated corner, that perhaps the guy that does not follow these guidelines will soon dump her – so better she do it first.

If we examine a few quotes in the film “He’s Just Not That Into You” – which is tame compared to the books we see it places women in that helpless position where pretty much all guys are jackasses and she is always better off alone.

Gigi: “Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab… ”
Alex: “Or maybe he is not interested in seeing you again.”

Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

Gigi: Ok- I’m making out with this guy, PG stuff. He mentions he’s going out of town so he’s gonna be out of touch.
Alex: Run.
Gigi: But maybe he is going out of town.
Alex: To where? New Guinea? Where’s he gonna be that he’s gonna be out of touch?

Alex: If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you.

In the film and worse off in the book we see something that is trending- the image that men never have a good enough excuse and almost by nature us men are designed to play women and treat them like garbage. That if he doesn’t call, that if he is genuinely away for a while, that if he doesn’t respond to a message, that if he gives different signals that suddenly he is most surely out to break your heart and thinks nothing of you- quiet clearly such writings and films are degrading to women, whilst trying to “liberate” them and even more-so is it harsh towards men, saying if we do not conform to certain checklists and guides and if we fall outside a particular circle, that we are not worth keeping. What a catastrophe.

Why are we then surprised when we see girls especially being paranoid- suspicion and doubt runs into their minds- which is why you get the “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” “But you said 7 o’clock” “Why didn’t you reply” messages. Naturally inclined most women would be open to trusting their man and allowing trust to be the foundation of their relationship, yet when outside influences such as books, magazine articles and the media interfere you see that suddenly an irrational paranoia is in place and a vulnerable woman is made to be even more mentally weak.

I expect that when i tell my lady that i’m somewhere- she believes me. When i tell her who i am with- she believes me. That when i am away, she trusts me. That when I’m afar, she misses me and that no matter what she loves me. That is the essence of a relationship. It doesn’t matter how many times a day a man calls you– if he is doing it for the sake of “protecting” your relationship, then indeed it is nothing short of a scam. It doesn’t matter if you see each other once a week, if that day you are together is the most amazing day of that week, then why sacrifice that feeling all for the sake of having a security blanket. The blanket of knowing he see’s you more  than once weekly because “that’s not enough” according to your deceitful books of delusion advice.

Wonderful relationships are being destroyed by these ideals of a perfect partner. Well that perfect partner that you and i both want does not exist. It is nothing but a fabrication made up in your own mind of fantasy- constantly fed by those “love stories” that ironically are always found in fairy tales. I for one know that i will never judge my woman based on some checklists and guidelines, nor a book that has a scorecard or a tally for women to see what “category” their man falls for. At the end of the day it really is NOT complicated, if a relationship is well and truly off- and if your man or woman is not treating you right then something called common sense would prevail.


Yet if there are things you don’t “like” about your partner, another dislike will be found in another partner. The fact is we have to learn to deal with and live with things that we are not entirely comfortable with– it doesn’t mean it’s a relationship not worth keeping, because relationships only grow and love does not need a guide book nor any helping hand. Every man is different we are a lot more than beings to be figured out in some book. We all work and act differently and we are all individual, and i don’t care what your stupid books say in regards to certain actions or lack of action from my behalf- in the end it is simply a fattening dose of insecurity being force fed through your throats and turning all forms of love sour and leaving a world of women with expectations that make no sense and loners with wishful thinking.

He’s just not that into you? I don’t think so. You’re just not that into yourself- otherwise you’d know what’s best for you before any ramblings of mid life crisis candidates.

Peace, Salam Alaykum.