Posts Tagged ‘society’

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A candid and honest look on perhaps why i am still not married. 🙂

So, i sit here, a man in his early 30’s who is begging the question…”Why am i not married yet?“. You see, growing up i always used to have these comical benchmarks on when exactly i would be getting married. When i was 18 i said i’d be married by 25. When i turned 25 i said i’d be married by 27. When i turned 27 i said i will definitely be married by 30. Then i turned 30 and pushed up my age of marriage to 33 (which mind you is around the corner!).

Being raised in a household with strong ethnic ties and having a Eastern European and Middle Eastern background i very often saw my family members and friends getting hitched in their early 20’s and as i grew older it really dawned on me how that was a truly unattractive prospect for me.

I suppose in the meantime i have been enjoying my life so much that it has been difficult for me to stop for a moment and analyze exactly where i am standing on this marathon called life. I come to realize that i absolutely want to get married and i absolutely want children, i am definitely not one of those “I’m too selfish to have children” sorts.

In fact the attraction for me is the fact that i am the total opposite to that, i am selfless and i put others before me, yet i cannot actually wait to have that child in my arms, that person that i am more than happy to put before myself, i am sure most parents can resonate with that.

Have i not found the right woman yet? Well, clearly not – because i am not married. Yet at the same time i do think about the cliche “It’s not you, it’s me” theology that runs through my mind. I ask myself am i prepared for marriage? Financially, yes. Emotionally, Yes. Mentally? Probably not. 

I do think the scars of a rough upbringing of many many years of intense physical and mental bullying, low self esteem and zero confidence really cut deep into my system. Despite me dropping plenty of weight in my early 20’s and regaining some of that charm and confidence that i hadn’t seen since i was in primary school- i still feel that even today, despite my outwardly popular and confident appearance, that i still have the remnants of low self confidence, self esteem and a battered value.

This in essence then makes it very difficult for me in relationships because my dream woman could be and probably is literally standing under my nose but i likely wouldn’t even realize it- because if my inward vibes synchronized with my outside vibes i would instantly recognize these women and i would snatch up any given opportunity- but i don’t.

Even though i do not appreciate the societal pressures of people being cornered into marriage and children, i do think its not for everyone. Yet it definitely is for me, if there’s anything i am certain about its the fact that i am very self aware- i strongly believe that i’d make a wonderful husband and an absolute kick-ass father, so i do not want to waste my life without sharing these qualities and attributes that i know i have, especially with people of which i know would earn and appreciate it.

In saying all of this, please remember i am not having a dig at those who choose not to get married or have children. As i said, i do not think its for everybody and people need to come to terms with exactly how they feel about these two major responsibilities. For me, i am up for the challenge, in fact i don’t consider it a challenge, i see it as a step in my life and it’s a step i am happy and willing to take.

Yet in the meanwhile i still have a lot of work to do on myself. I feel that i am still constructing myself into this mansion that i want to be, and i cannot let anybody else move in, whether wife or child, until i am happy with my home, until i am happy with me. The fact is, we cannot pretend that we can provide happiness for others when we are not entirely happy ourselves.

I am definitely not sad or depressed – yet i am a bit of a perfectionist. I want the timing to be right, i want to be mentally prepared and charged for the moment. I don’t just want to “wing” a relationship, i don’t just want to test the waters for years before i decide to put a ring on it. If i am at complete peace and harmony with myself and you happen to walk on by then good heavens i’d say watch out, but who wouldn’t want to be swept under their feet? 😉

Peace, Salam
-Ramey

Ah yes it is the word that we were constantly taught at school. Teachers that used to give us lectures about us “Minding our manners”, surely it is a concept that has been drilled into our heads since we were little kids, but little do we understand the importance of manners and its place in society in general. Working in an industry where i am dealing with up to 500 people face to face every day i have come to realize something more adequate than any newspaper study conducted with 2,000 people…It’s the fact that manners are on the decline, and not only by our youth but by the older generations too.

Manners is not a thing that is attached only to Children, indeed manners is something we are taught and it is a life long skill- a social skill. First thing is first, a simple “Please” or “Thank You” is getting more and more rare to hear, not to mention something as simple as a smile is hard to come across these days. People tend to forget that manners is the heart of character and if we lack manners, we lack character and if we lack character we lack personality. The destruction of manners is nothing less than the destruction of our very foundations.

It is beyond me how so many people could completely ignore a person, such as myself- who looks them in the eye and wishes them a great day. I personally know that if someone is directing their attention at me, and vocalizing towards me directly that i would not dare ignore them, in fact i would engage with their call; even if it lacks spirit; even if its monotonous.  When i come to think of the words “Please” and “Thank You” they are the ground and the roof of a conversation. The “Please” sets your foot on solid ground, giving your conversation a stability and trust. The word “Thank You” is the roof over the head of the conversation, it purifies the conversation and covers any ill or bad thought.

Muhammad & I In Oman.

We are lacking common courtesy and this is evident wherever we look. We have the elderly that scoff at the young, whilst the young wouldn’t even lower a hand to help the elderly. Chivalry dug itself deep into a grave and appreciation is a thing of the past. Today we are all simply vessels- bodies that are scurrying along to get from point A to point B and everything else in-between is simply an obstacle – something in the way- something blocking their path- best we avoid these things. Which is why i dare you to simply sit back at a bench in any busy city train station during peak hour- look at people run around in repetitive patterns, watch them huff and puff as they push their way passed others and look at the lack of eye contact, facial expression or general humanity.

Let us look at this example. A person is asking for the exact same thing in two very different ways, what sounds better to you?

Exhibit A) I’ll just have the bourbon and coke.
Exhibit B) Hi, can i please have the bourbon and coke? Thank You.

Exhibit A) Where can i find smith street?
Exhibit B) Excuse me? Do you know where i can find Smith street please?

Exhibit A) Turn the volume down!
Exhibit B) If you don’t mind, could you please turn down the volume?

We are not “too busy” or “too stressed” to practice a little thing like manners. It goes a long way. Manners makes a woman a Lady and a man a Gentleman. Manners are actions than ornament a persons character and one with good character is a personality that will never be forgotten. So never be afraid to say “Please, thank you, sorry, i appreciate it, you’re welcome, i am grateful, if you don’t mind and excuse me.” Do not be afraid to smile, even to a complete stranger and always remember that if someone is communicating with you- return your eyes to them and prompt your voice to speak. In one way or another we technically all work in some “customer service” related industry because someone is always intending to please someone else, so mind your manners both professionally and personally- if you don’t mind. :-).

Now enjoy these beautiful quotes on manners 🙂

‘The best among you are those who have the best manners and character.”
Prophet Muhammad

A man’s manners are a mirror in which he shows his portrait. ”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest people uneasy is the best bred in the room. ”
Jonathan Swift

Manners are one of the greatest engines of influence ever given to man. ”
Richard Whately

Love advice- it is something that many people turn to. A piece of affirmation as to whether or not a persons instincts are right and yet we notice an increase in divorce and short term relationships. Let us get one thing straight right away- the partner that you really really wish for very likely does not exist. Whoever you end up with there will always be something that irks you about them, there will always be things we wish they could change, there will always be annoying habits and things we simply do not understand- yet does that mean you shouldn’t be with them? Definitely not! Love is a lot more than a bunch of checklists.

I find that sadly girls tend to fall for this trap a lot more than men- where they are used for their vulnerability and their insecurities are exploited by the media and book market- where so called “professionals” on love tell them exactly who is right for them. Who could ever forget not only the best selling book “He’s just not that into you” that was later turned to another hit movie – where girls are shown to be taken advantage of, left to hang and dry by certain types of guys- giving them the cards of victim hood and placing vulnerable women in an even more isolated corner, that perhaps the guy that does not follow these guidelines will soon dump her – so better she do it first.

If we examine a few quotes in the film “He’s Just Not That Into You” – which is tame compared to the books we see it places women in that helpless position where pretty much all guys are jackasses and she is always better off alone.

Gigi: “Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab… ”
Alex: “Or maybe he is not interested in seeing you again.”

Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

Gigi: Ok- I’m making out with this guy, PG stuff. He mentions he’s going out of town so he’s gonna be out of touch.
Alex: Run.
Gigi: But maybe he is going out of town.
Alex: To where? New Guinea? Where’s he gonna be that he’s gonna be out of touch?

Alex: If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you.

In the film and worse off in the book we see something that is trending- the image that men never have a good enough excuse and almost by nature us men are designed to play women and treat them like garbage. That if he doesn’t call, that if he is genuinely away for a while, that if he doesn’t respond to a message, that if he gives different signals that suddenly he is most surely out to break your heart and thinks nothing of you- quiet clearly such writings and films are degrading to women, whilst trying to “liberate” them and even more-so is it harsh towards men, saying if we do not conform to certain checklists and guides and if we fall outside a particular circle, that we are not worth keeping. What a catastrophe.

Why are we then surprised when we see girls especially being paranoid- suspicion and doubt runs into their minds- which is why you get the “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” “But you said 7 o’clock” “Why didn’t you reply” messages. Naturally inclined most women would be open to trusting their man and allowing trust to be the foundation of their relationship, yet when outside influences such as books, magazine articles and the media interfere you see that suddenly an irrational paranoia is in place and a vulnerable woman is made to be even more mentally weak.

I expect that when i tell my lady that i’m somewhere- she believes me. When i tell her who i am with- she believes me. That when i am away, she trusts me. That when I’m afar, she misses me and that no matter what she loves me. That is the essence of a relationship. It doesn’t matter how many times a day a man calls you– if he is doing it for the sake of “protecting” your relationship, then indeed it is nothing short of a scam. It doesn’t matter if you see each other once a week, if that day you are together is the most amazing day of that week, then why sacrifice that feeling all for the sake of having a security blanket. The blanket of knowing he see’s you more  than once weekly because “that’s not enough” according to your deceitful books of delusion advice.

Wonderful relationships are being destroyed by these ideals of a perfect partner. Well that perfect partner that you and i both want does not exist. It is nothing but a fabrication made up in your own mind of fantasy- constantly fed by those “love stories” that ironically are always found in fairy tales. I for one know that i will never judge my woman based on some checklists and guidelines, nor a book that has a scorecard or a tally for women to see what “category” their man falls for. At the end of the day it really is NOT complicated, if a relationship is well and truly off- and if your man or woman is not treating you right then something called common sense would prevail.


Yet if there are things you don’t “like” about your partner, another dislike will be found in another partner. The fact is we have to learn to deal with and live with things that we are not entirely comfortable with– it doesn’t mean it’s a relationship not worth keeping, because relationships only grow and love does not need a guide book nor any helping hand. Every man is different we are a lot more than beings to be figured out in some book. We all work and act differently and we are all individual, and i don’t care what your stupid books say in regards to certain actions or lack of action from my behalf- in the end it is simply a fattening dose of insecurity being force fed through your throats and turning all forms of love sour and leaving a world of women with expectations that make no sense and loners with wishful thinking.

He’s just not that into you? I don’t think so. You’re just not that into yourself- otherwise you’d know what’s best for you before any ramblings of mid life crisis candidates.

Peace, Salam Alaykum.

Now before people take the title of this post the wrong way i want you to read into it further and why i state that “Gay marriage does not concern me“.  Recently President Obama lit up many peoples hearts and hopes by stating that he “supports” Gay marriage- yet to me this is something that is said to simply please an audience and its surrounds- he knows the words are empty because unlike Australia where the law is federal and would apply allover- in the United States it is only supported as per state and each state is not subjected to a forced “Gay Marriage” allowance- hence Obama does not stop states that do not support gay marriage.

So he may claim he “supports” it day and night, he knows the end decision is made by the state and not himself, hence he could sing any song to win votes yet personally i am not buying it. Now as a heterosexual male i don’t feel an immense urge to support or condemn the situation around gay marriage. I am not a part of that community, though i must say that ANY group that feels discriminated against and is fighting for a right they believe to be theirs, then GO FOR GOLD!  Yet i am not in their position, i cannot relate to how they feel- full knowing i can and will marry.

Yet do not expect me to march in rallies, nor expect me to be extremely vocal about it either. I support you and your right to fight oppression and in that aspect i am entirely with you, yet the cause you fight for is a cause that i am not a part of- just as much as i don’t expect a gay man to rally against Islamophobia, i hope i am not expected to protest against homophobia- though i have to proclaim i am entirely against the irrational fear of ANY people whether it be based on their race, religion or sexual orientation.

Gay Marriage doesn’t concern me because i do not believe the government has any right to govern what people do with their own bodies and lives– i find the whole notion of the government controlling all aspects of our lives to be rather sickening. If i were to count the amount of unjust things our governments get away with i would be rallying every day, i just feel these people have no right to dictate how we live our lives- whether secular or religious, we own our own bodies and what you do with your body is none of my business.

Hence by me being active in the rights of gay marriage it becomes my business and i feel that i have no right to speak for, support or encourage gay marriage– though i definitely don’t speak against it either nor mistreat people for being homosexual. I feel the gay community SHOULD fight for their rights that they are passionate about, because they are fighting against the same government that sanctions many more injustices and discrimination- so i can urge the people WITHIN that community to do whatever they feel is right, and if gay marriage is something they believe they have a right to- then go for it, but i assure you that the fight is in David and Goliath terms.

What i dislike is how people assume that just because i don’t personally encourage or condone homosexuality that i am homophobic- that is entirely wrong. As cliche as it sounds i work with many, many wonderful people and their sexual orientation does not bother me, nor does it get in the way of respectful and friendly dialogue. I just dont think the “with or against us” culture is one that is healthy– for some topics we should be allowed to sit on the fence and observe, i am with the homosexuals in their fight against oppression yet the cause is none of my concern so i will sit and wait it out- the outcome is in the power of the homosexual community, not mine.

Peace, Salam Alaykum

Mistakes…something we all make in our lives. I am one that has fallen in some really deep stuff and have done some things i regret immensely. Did i learn from these mistakes? For the most part indeed i did, and certainly i think that is the case for most people. It is true that trial and error is exactly what shapes us to eventually be better people- yet there is something i have noticed. 

The position of us being “imperfect” and “only human” appears to be an excuse for us-  whatever wrong we will commit to already has a back up plan, surely the scripted response to our own actions is already laid out on the table, besides “We all make mistakes, right?”. Well lets not state the obvious, yes we are human and we are prone to error- yet for me this is a lazy excuse and a convenient saying of which what we do ends up baring next to no responsibility and our actions are masked by our vulnerable state of mind.

Before you do something that you know will wrong yourself; or others for that matter…think about it for a minute. Do not fall back on the comfort of being imperfect. Instead we should focus on our strengths and potential for being amazing beings by stopping ourselves before doing something damaging to ourselves or other people- indeed this is the most honorable way. We become too complacent and rely on our human status as being imperfect beings and expect forgiveness as a default for making a “mistake”.

If doing wrong only makes you a human, what does stopping yourself from doing wrong make you? A SUPER human! So why don’t you become a super human? Yes, i realize we are all imperfect beings and we all make HONEST mistakes, yet something tells me most mistakes we make are not honest- nor innocent..yet they are decisions we make knowing that the excuse for “imperfection” will always be there to save the day…

Well not today my friend.

Peace, Salam Alaykum